oh hello over there

oh hello over there

hello and welcome to my blog!

it is called "the lunatic disco" (and i am just going out on a limb here but i am beginning to suspect that this might JUST be why it says "the lunatic disco" up there at the top of the page.  ok that's my share of Solving Life's Great Mysteries out of the way, i think it's only fair if everyone else makes a start on the rest, chop chop off you go)

the name is mainly because... well.  you know that thing when you're walking down the road with your ipod (that's to say, you are the one who's walking and you are carrying your ipod or it's in your bag or wherever, this is not some sort of nightmarish situation where ipods have evolved to develop legs and are taking over the world one appalling playlist at a time)...

 artist's impression of Angry iPod With Legs

....and you're listening to music and generally having a bit of a dance?  i mean that's completely normal, because a) that's sort of what you do when you listen to music, isn't it, dance, that's sort of the point and b) WELL it's not as if anyone's likely to be WATCHING, really, it's not like this is a COMPLETELY PUBLIC AREA IS IT oh no wait i may have got this slightly backwards--

and then at this point you suddenly realise that there is a Somebody (who in all probability is youthful and attractive and a lot cooler than you because mad people never catch other mad people doing mad things, the universe would derive absolutely no pleasure from something so mundane!) coming at you in the opposite direction.  and if you think about it they probably have been able to see you dancing like a total mentalist for the last however long but even so you have GREAT FAITH in your ability to make everything seem ABOUT AS NORMAL AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE just by pulling the super sneaky old dum de dum dance dance dance la la oh god er um um OH LOOK WHAT I AM DOING, I AM RAISING UP MY ARM TO SCRATCH MY NECK! JUST LIKE A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON! A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON WITH A SLIGHTLY ITCHY NECK WHICH IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL THING TO HAVE AND WHICH DOES NOT INVOLVE ANY SORT OF EMBARRASSING PUBLIC GROOVING stealth move.

that thing.  you know that thing? i knew you would!  we all know that thing!

WELL, actually that's.... not in fact why i called this blog "the lunatic disco" because that only happened this morning and i made this blog a few days back.  to be honest i just thought a load of mad people dancing would probably be quite funny.

hang on a minute where were we again?

oh, right, sorry.  well naturally i will be discussing many deep and meaningful things here in the future (have you ever noticed that doing things in the future is significantly easier than doing things right now?) but to be honest all that dancing has taken it out of me a bit.  "hang on a minute!" you may now be thinking to yourself, "IT DOES NOT COUNT AS ACTUAL PHYSICAL EXERTION IF IT IS ONLY WRITTEN DOWN".  i may however be replying, "in fact, emergent scientific studies are now suggesting that textual exercise actually requires up to 26% more effort than actual proper dancing that you do with moving your body and things instead of words, so. there."

um you would appear to have become distracted again

thank you disembodied bold font, i have no idea where i would be without your steady anchoring influence.  so basically (this is the bit i probably should have started off with): hi! i'm kat! i'm 21 years old and i still get a little jolt of horror and disbelief every time i read this number, i thought old age was just something that happened to criminals and on the tv!  and i am very nearly at the end of a Weight Gain Journey wherein i Found My True Self and discovered that she was Quite A Lot Bigger Than Expected.  it has not been as easy as i would have liked and i am still smarting a bit at the discovery that my life did not magically become sparkly and fluffy and filled with little happy bunny rabbits the minute i stepped over into the "normal weight" category.  but then again that may well be a blessing in disguise being as i am allergic to fur.  i would like to be self-actualised and at peace with myself but not if it meant i ended up sneezing all the time.

harbinger of evil

er so yeah basically that is it!

well, obviously this post is not really 'it', in fact i doubt it fits into any definition of the word 'it' except maybe in some sort of BIZARRE BACKWARDS DICTIONARY which lists everything that a word MOST CATEGORICALLY DOES NOT mean, which now i come to think of it would very probably be the longest book in the universe and would serve very little purpose except if you were a bit thick and sometimes thought things like "oh shit i can't remember whether the word 'table' DOESN'T mean 'a rotten turnip balanced on top of the head of an estranged lover' or not! if only there were somewhere i could look this up!".

 

but what i mean is, this is probably about as close to 'it' as i am going to get this evening.

essentially on this blog i will be talking about stuff that has happened to me (like how today i fell up the stairs, which frankly WHAT is the point of having all this gravity stuff around if it lets things like this happen?) and stuff that is happening to me right now (to be honest at the moment that is just "sitting at a laptop typing these words" but it could maybe get a bit racier at some point) and stuff i hope will never happen to me at all (like a perm).  and maybe some other things which are not so frighteningly terminally dull (although frankly the likelihood is not high) and i am sure that it will all be very exciting for everyone involved! (with the obvious exception of anyone who might be reading this) (and also me, now i come to think of it) (so basically no one will enjoy this. we may as well all just lie down and never get up again right now because this is as good as it gets!!)

(i like to end on a cheery note)

so hello!




P.S. incidentally, if i ever wrote a dictionary (we've all been there, it's a rainy day, there's nothing good on tv, HEY WHY NOT DEFINE SOME STUFF), under the word 'dictionary' it would say:

dic·tion·ar·y /ˈdɪkʃəˌnɛri/ Show Spelled[dik-shuh-ner-ee]  –noun

ok, let's get this one straight: YOU PICKED UP THIS DICTIONARY AND FOUND YOUR WAY TO THE ENTRY FOR 'DICTIONARY' IN ORDER TO FIND A DEFINITION FOR THE WORD 'DICTIONARY' YET YOU ARE SEEMINGLY UNAWARE THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF A DICTIONARY IS TO PROVIDE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS SUCH AS THE WORD 'DICTIONARY' IN ENTRIES LIKE THIS ONE THAT YOU ARE READING NOW?  I DESPAIR FOR THE STATE OF HUMANITY I REALLY DO, CHRIST ON A FLIPPING BIKE

see also: Bloody Hell What A Thicko

it would be a bit of an abusive (not to mention slightly blasphemous) dictionary but i think there is a market for that sort of thing these days. people like being shouted at.