it would appear to be me again

it would appear to be me again

i just made my mum a cup of coffee which is a Nice Thing except if you accidentally forget to boil the kettle first. apparently coffee isn't very nice when it's made with cold water?  HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS, i don't drink coffee ever!  i can't, it would be disastrous!  the last time i drank a bottle of fizzy water i didn't sleep for three and a half weeks! (this may perhaps be a minor exaggeration) (it was actually only 22 days)

anyway, i found this a bit hypocritical seeing as i have seen her ON AT LEAST THREE OCCASIONS sipping away at a frappucino (which, fact fans, is italian for "we ran out of hot water but if we say it in foreign it actually sounds quite stylish and cosmopolitan, ha, you english, so easily fooled")!  i pointed this out and apparently it's only unexpectedly cold coffee that's the problem and so as long as i make sure that no more ninja chilled beverages infiltrate the kitchen we should probably be alright in future.  so that's good, we all like a happy ending!


but anyway, this morning i was watching the vampire diaries (it actually really irritates me when people put the names of things in italics because then when i read it in my head i have to think that bit REALLY EMPHATICALLY and end up with a headache. although it's worse when i'm reading aloud, i need to get out a megaphone to convey the full tone which apparently some people find strange) earlier, on the television. (i am not at all sure why i needed to specify that, i did try watching tv programmes on the oven once but it was quite a hot and ultimately unfulfilling experience).

i should point out that to fully understand this (HILARIOUS AND INTRIGUING PLEASE DO NOT STOP READING) anecdote you need to know that i've watched every single episode of the vampire diaries (oh god no, it's even worse in bold, now i have to do a really melodramatic over-the-top voiceover voice) that's been shown in the uk so far, which is about 18 episodes (a figure internationally accepted as the threshold level for "Quite A Lot Of Episodes To Watch Of A Show That Is Basically Just About Some Vampires").

anyway, some girl came onto the screen (they do that, girls) and i didn't recognise her, but all the other characters acted as if she'd always been there!  this is something that bothers me as a Dedicated Watcher of TV, and i started preparing a long rant in my head about how television producers treat the (actually quite intelligent) viewer like an unobservant idiot, just introducing random new characters without a single word of explanation and expecting no one to notice, HOW THICK DO THEY ACTUALLY THINK WE ARE I MEAN REALLY I WILL JUST CHECK THIS ON IMDB NOW SO THAT I CAN USE FACTS AND FIGURES TO MAKE MY POINT AND OH WELL THIS IS EVEN WORSE IS THIS SOME SORT OF APPALLING CONSPIRACY, LOOK THEY HAVE ACTUALLY GONE SO FAR AS TO EDIT IMDB TO  MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE TO DATE WHAT A LOAD OF

oh.

oh.

hello i am an unobservant idiot and this is my blog!

so i thought about it a bit more and i realised that i actually don't know:

• 90% of the characters' names
• what ANY of them have to do with each other
• which ones are vampires and which ones just have poor dental hygiene
• ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT THIS PROGRAMME IN FACT WHAT WAS IT CALLED AGAIN? i think there might have been something to do with werewolves?
• OR GHOSTS, maybe ghosts

 nah, i take it back, it's definitely werewolves

and basically this is all quite bad.  at first i thought that maybe i just have a really short attention spa

OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY

but then i realised that this sort of thing has only happened to me once before, when i was watching true blood (nah, underlining doesn't work either, just sounds like some sort of violent threat. "shut your mouth or i will UNDERLINE YOU!!" ...or possibly an interior decorating term.  "shut your mouth or i will UNDERLINE YOUR DINING ROOM FLOOR WITH THIS FASHIONABLE RUG!!"), a programme also about vampires.  this could possibly be a coincidence but i find it more likely that i am suffering from some sort of terrible, as-yet-unidentified (BUT HIGHLY DANGEROUS) disease.  as far as i can establish the key symptoms seem to be as follows: vampire-induced comas, inability to use a kettle, complete lack of any writing skills whatsoever, powers of mind-control and flight.

i could have made the last one up a bit there.  but it would still be REALLY COOL.

( illustration taken from The Medical Journal of Made-Up Diseases)

(those are, by the way, fangs, not tiny little sandwiches) (well maybe blood sandwiches)

this is most alarming.  if anyone ever wanted to kidnap me (i admit that this is probably fairly unlikely, history suggests that i am generally on the other side of the restraining order) all they would need would be a twilight poster and a large sack.


ok here is the thing:
when i sat down to write this post there were lots of interesting and deep thoughts in my head that i wanted to write about here (you know, complex scientific equations, theories on the nature of the universe, the usual sort of stuff) but somehow somewhere between my brain and my fingers that all accidentally got turned into "LOL VAMPIRES" (this is a more common phenomonon than you might think and goes a long way to explaining stephanie meyer)

unfortunately i can no longer remember any of the actual proper things i was going to say SO in lieu of anything interesting: tomorrow i'm going to see the podiatrist because there is a Thing going on with my big toe joint, which seems to have entered some sort of rebellious teenage phase where it wants to be a UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL and REBEL AGAINST THE SYSTEM and DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO DO i.e. move without hurting!  it has not started dressing in black and listening to gloomy music yet but can only be a matter of time.

 

this is not actually a photo of my foot, which is in fact an actual proper foot rather than a cartoon and also NOT HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT TOE

i have researched it online a bit (NEVER do this, i can guarantee that you have all the symptoms of at least fifteen rare tropical diseases and by all rights should have died at least three years ago) and i think it is probably either a) a bunion, b) arthritis of the big toe joint or c) an unmistakeable omen of my impending doom.  which, whichever way you look at it, makes for a fairly depressing multiple choice exam.

tomorrow will be a fun day!

actually it hopefully will also be a Historic and Momentous day.  well, historic and momentous for me anyway, it's probably a bit too much to hope for that the history books of the future will say something along the lines of:

2000-2010: there were some wars and stuff and a couple of hurricanes and that sort of thing and i think maybe some people died?  but MORE IMPORTANTLY kat reached a bmi of 20 on the 10th june 2010, an event which we now, as a nation, remember and commemorate every year with a minute of silent cake-eating

 yes, today is (well, fingers crossed anyway, i will probably find that my body has decided to lose three stone overnight to teach me a lesson about what happens when people make assumptions) officially my last day as a Weight Gainer!  i feel like i should do something really mad to celebrate, like eat an entire pig or something.

i probably won't though.

"well thank fuck for that!"