it would appear to be me again

it would appear to be me again

i just made my mum a cup of coffee which is a Nice Thing except if you accidentally forget to boil the kettle first. apparently coffee isn't very nice when it's made with cold water?  HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS, i don't drink coffee ever!  i can't, it would be disastrous!  the last time i drank a bottle of fizzy water i didn't sleep for three and a half weeks! (this may perhaps be a minor exaggeration) (it was actually only 22 days)

anyway, i found this a bit hypocritical seeing as i have seen her ON AT LEAST THREE OCCASIONS sipping away at a frappucino (which, fact fans, is italian for "we ran out of hot water but if we say it in foreign it actually sounds quite stylish and cosmopolitan, ha, you english, so easily fooled")!  i pointed this out and apparently it's only unexpectedly cold coffee that's the problem and so as long as i make sure that no more ninja chilled beverages infiltrate the kitchen we should probably be alright in future.  so that's good, we all like a happy ending!


but anyway, this morning i was watching the vampire diaries (it actually really irritates me when people put the names of things in italics because then when i read it in my head i have to think that bit REALLY EMPHATICALLY and end up with a headache. although it's worse when i'm reading aloud, i need to get out a megaphone to convey the full tone which apparently some people find strange) earlier, on the television. (i am not at all sure why i needed to specify that, i did try watching tv programmes on the oven once but it was quite a hot and ultimately unfulfilling experience).

i should point out that to fully understand this (HILARIOUS AND INTRIGUING PLEASE DO NOT STOP READING) anecdote you need to know that i've watched every single episode of the vampire diaries (oh god no, it's even worse in bold, now i have to do a really melodramatic over-the-top voiceover voice) that's been shown in the uk so far, which is about 18 episodes (a figure internationally accepted as the threshold level for "Quite A Lot Of Episodes To Watch Of A Show That Is Basically Just About Some Vampires").

anyway, some girl came onto the screen (they do that, girls) and i didn't recognise her, but all the other characters acted as if she'd always been there!  this is something that bothers me as a Dedicated Watcher of TV, and i started preparing a long rant in my head about how television producers treat the (actually quite intelligent) viewer like an unobservant idiot, just introducing random new characters without a single word of explanation and expecting no one to notice, HOW THICK DO THEY ACTUALLY THINK WE ARE I MEAN REALLY I WILL JUST CHECK THIS ON IMDB NOW SO THAT I CAN USE FACTS AND FIGURES TO MAKE MY POINT AND OH WELL THIS IS EVEN WORSE IS THIS SOME SORT OF APPALLING CONSPIRACY, LOOK THEY HAVE ACTUALLY GONE SO FAR AS TO EDIT IMDB TO  MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE TO DATE WHAT A LOAD OF

oh.

oh.

hello i am an unobservant idiot and this is my blog!

so i thought about it a bit more and i realised that i actually don't know:

• 90% of the characters' names
• what ANY of them have to do with each other
• which ones are vampires and which ones just have poor dental hygiene
• ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT THIS PROGRAMME IN FACT WHAT WAS IT CALLED AGAIN? i think there might have been something to do with werewolves?
• OR GHOSTS, maybe ghosts

 nah, i take it back, it's definitely werewolves

and basically this is all quite bad.  at first i thought that maybe i just have a really short attention spa

OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY

but then i realised that this sort of thing has only happened to me once before, when i was watching true blood (nah, underlining doesn't work either, just sounds like some sort of violent threat. "shut your mouth or i will UNDERLINE YOU!!" ...or possibly an interior decorating term.  "shut your mouth or i will UNDERLINE YOUR DINING ROOM FLOOR WITH THIS FASHIONABLE RUG!!"), a programme also about vampires.  this could possibly be a coincidence but i find it more likely that i am suffering from some sort of terrible, as-yet-unidentified (BUT HIGHLY DANGEROUS) disease.  as far as i can establish the key symptoms seem to be as follows: vampire-induced comas, inability to use a kettle, complete lack of any writing skills whatsoever, powers of mind-control and flight.

i could have made the last one up a bit there.  but it would still be REALLY COOL.

( illustration taken from The Medical Journal of Made-Up Diseases)

(those are, by the way, fangs, not tiny little sandwiches) (well maybe blood sandwiches)

this is most alarming.  if anyone ever wanted to kidnap me (i admit that this is probably fairly unlikely, history suggests that i am generally on the other side of the restraining order) all they would need would be a twilight poster and a large sack.


ok here is the thing:
when i sat down to write this post there were lots of interesting and deep thoughts in my head that i wanted to write about here (you know, complex scientific equations, theories on the nature of the universe, the usual sort of stuff) but somehow somewhere between my brain and my fingers that all accidentally got turned into "LOL VAMPIRES" (this is a more common phenomonon than you might think and goes a long way to explaining stephanie meyer)

unfortunately i can no longer remember any of the actual proper things i was going to say SO in lieu of anything interesting: tomorrow i'm going to see the podiatrist because there is a Thing going on with my big toe joint, which seems to have entered some sort of rebellious teenage phase where it wants to be a UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL and REBEL AGAINST THE SYSTEM and DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO DO i.e. move without hurting!  it has not started dressing in black and listening to gloomy music yet but can only be a matter of time.

 

this is not actually a photo of my foot, which is in fact an actual proper foot rather than a cartoon and also NOT HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT TOE

i have researched it online a bit (NEVER do this, i can guarantee that you have all the symptoms of at least fifteen rare tropical diseases and by all rights should have died at least three years ago) and i think it is probably either a) a bunion, b) arthritis of the big toe joint or c) an unmistakeable omen of my impending doom.  which, whichever way you look at it, makes for a fairly depressing multiple choice exam.

tomorrow will be a fun day!

actually it hopefully will also be a Historic and Momentous day.  well, historic and momentous for me anyway, it's probably a bit too much to hope for that the history books of the future will say something along the lines of:

2000-2010: there were some wars and stuff and a couple of hurricanes and that sort of thing and i think maybe some people died?  but MORE IMPORTANTLY kat reached a bmi of 20 on the 10th june 2010, an event which we now, as a nation, remember and commemorate every year with a minute of silent cake-eating

 yes, today is (well, fingers crossed anyway, i will probably find that my body has decided to lose three stone overnight to teach me a lesson about what happens when people make assumptions) officially my last day as a Weight Gainer!  i feel like i should do something really mad to celebrate, like eat an entire pig or something.

i probably won't though.

"well thank fuck for that!"

oh hello over there

oh hello over there

hello and welcome to my blog!

it is called "the lunatic disco" (and i am just going out on a limb here but i am beginning to suspect that this might JUST be why it says "the lunatic disco" up there at the top of the page.  ok that's my share of Solving Life's Great Mysteries out of the way, i think it's only fair if everyone else makes a start on the rest, chop chop off you go)

the name is mainly because... well.  you know that thing when you're walking down the road with your ipod (that's to say, you are the one who's walking and you are carrying your ipod or it's in your bag or wherever, this is not some sort of nightmarish situation where ipods have evolved to develop legs and are taking over the world one appalling playlist at a time)...

 artist's impression of Angry iPod With Legs

....and you're listening to music and generally having a bit of a dance?  i mean that's completely normal, because a) that's sort of what you do when you listen to music, isn't it, dance, that's sort of the point and b) WELL it's not as if anyone's likely to be WATCHING, really, it's not like this is a COMPLETELY PUBLIC AREA IS IT oh no wait i may have got this slightly backwards--

and then at this point you suddenly realise that there is a Somebody (who in all probability is youthful and attractive and a lot cooler than you because mad people never catch other mad people doing mad things, the universe would derive absolutely no pleasure from something so mundane!) coming at you in the opposite direction.  and if you think about it they probably have been able to see you dancing like a total mentalist for the last however long but even so you have GREAT FAITH in your ability to make everything seem ABOUT AS NORMAL AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE just by pulling the super sneaky old dum de dum dance dance dance la la oh god er um um OH LOOK WHAT I AM DOING, I AM RAISING UP MY ARM TO SCRATCH MY NECK! JUST LIKE A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON! A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON WITH A SLIGHTLY ITCHY NECK WHICH IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL THING TO HAVE AND WHICH DOES NOT INVOLVE ANY SORT OF EMBARRASSING PUBLIC GROOVING stealth move.

that thing.  you know that thing? i knew you would!  we all know that thing!

WELL, actually that's.... not in fact why i called this blog "the lunatic disco" because that only happened this morning and i made this blog a few days back.  to be honest i just thought a load of mad people dancing would probably be quite funny.

hang on a minute where were we again?

oh, right, sorry.  well naturally i will be discussing many deep and meaningful things here in the future (have you ever noticed that doing things in the future is significantly easier than doing things right now?) but to be honest all that dancing has taken it out of me a bit.  "hang on a minute!" you may now be thinking to yourself, "IT DOES NOT COUNT AS ACTUAL PHYSICAL EXERTION IF IT IS ONLY WRITTEN DOWN".  i may however be replying, "in fact, emergent scientific studies are now suggesting that textual exercise actually requires up to 26% more effort than actual proper dancing that you do with moving your body and things instead of words, so. there."

um you would appear to have become distracted again

thank you disembodied bold font, i have no idea where i would be without your steady anchoring influence.  so basically (this is the bit i probably should have started off with): hi! i'm kat! i'm 21 years old and i still get a little jolt of horror and disbelief every time i read this number, i thought old age was just something that happened to criminals and on the tv!  and i am very nearly at the end of a Weight Gain Journey wherein i Found My True Self and discovered that she was Quite A Lot Bigger Than Expected.  it has not been as easy as i would have liked and i am still smarting a bit at the discovery that my life did not magically become sparkly and fluffy and filled with little happy bunny rabbits the minute i stepped over into the "normal weight" category.  but then again that may well be a blessing in disguise being as i am allergic to fur.  i would like to be self-actualised and at peace with myself but not if it meant i ended up sneezing all the time.

harbinger of evil

er so yeah basically that is it!

well, obviously this post is not really 'it', in fact i doubt it fits into any definition of the word 'it' except maybe in some sort of BIZARRE BACKWARDS DICTIONARY which lists everything that a word MOST CATEGORICALLY DOES NOT mean, which now i come to think of it would very probably be the longest book in the universe and would serve very little purpose except if you were a bit thick and sometimes thought things like "oh shit i can't remember whether the word 'table' DOESN'T mean 'a rotten turnip balanced on top of the head of an estranged lover' or not! if only there were somewhere i could look this up!".

 

but what i mean is, this is probably about as close to 'it' as i am going to get this evening.

essentially on this blog i will be talking about stuff that has happened to me (like how today i fell up the stairs, which frankly WHAT is the point of having all this gravity stuff around if it lets things like this happen?) and stuff that is happening to me right now (to be honest at the moment that is just "sitting at a laptop typing these words" but it could maybe get a bit racier at some point) and stuff i hope will never happen to me at all (like a perm).  and maybe some other things which are not so frighteningly terminally dull (although frankly the likelihood is not high) and i am sure that it will all be very exciting for everyone involved! (with the obvious exception of anyone who might be reading this) (and also me, now i come to think of it) (so basically no one will enjoy this. we may as well all just lie down and never get up again right now because this is as good as it gets!!)

(i like to end on a cheery note)

so hello!




P.S. incidentally, if i ever wrote a dictionary (we've all been there, it's a rainy day, there's nothing good on tv, HEY WHY NOT DEFINE SOME STUFF), under the word 'dictionary' it would say:

dic·tion·ar·y /ˈdɪkʃəˌnɛri/ Show Spelled[dik-shuh-ner-ee]  –noun

ok, let's get this one straight: YOU PICKED UP THIS DICTIONARY AND FOUND YOUR WAY TO THE ENTRY FOR 'DICTIONARY' IN ORDER TO FIND A DEFINITION FOR THE WORD 'DICTIONARY' YET YOU ARE SEEMINGLY UNAWARE THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF A DICTIONARY IS TO PROVIDE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS SUCH AS THE WORD 'DICTIONARY' IN ENTRIES LIKE THIS ONE THAT YOU ARE READING NOW?  I DESPAIR FOR THE STATE OF HUMANITY I REALLY DO, CHRIST ON A FLIPPING BIKE

see also: Bloody Hell What A Thicko

it would be a bit of an abusive (not to mention slightly blasphemous) dictionary but i think there is a market for that sort of thing these days. people like being shouted at.